I am having such a hard time putting this struggle into words. I so desperately wish I would have started writing when I did the title but anger, embarassament, and denial, have kept me from it. NOW I will start from the beginning-I wish I could say I was at finally at the winning end of the stupid weight battle but once again I find myself somewhere stuck in the middle.
Here is my story:
I feel like I have always struggled with my weight even as a kid I remember my friends wanting to borrow my clothes to have the "baggy" instyle look but I could never fit in any of theirs to borrow. I remember in high school walking from the main building to the annex and hating the windy days that would blow my shirt against my fat roll and I would hold my folders in just the right spot in front to try to hide it.
When did I first discover healthy and fit:
my junior year of high school I had an "aha" moment from an ex-boyfriend and I decided to prove to him and to me that I was better than "his type" I started counting fat and working out and by I went from 161.5 to 129 by my senior prom in 1996. I felt amazing! I maintained fairly well and when I got married in 1999 I still felt and looked great at 139 (isnt it crazy the way I remember numbers so many years later) fast forward thru 2 kids and weight watchers and getting back to a good weight after each kid and maintaining around 146-153. I did so well with Weight Watchers I met my goal and reached my dream of being a weight watchers leader for over a year to help people like me!
So what happened: I wish I knew!
I was happy around 153 and when I would hit 156 I would physically feel HORRIBLE and would get it back down. But I changed. Its not like I went to sleep one night at 153 and woke up at 191+ the next day! It was a gradual burn and somehow a small acceptance or denial. It would be a few pounds higher and I would think-thats not so bad I will get back on track-but I think I said and did that a million times.
Where was my "a-ha" moment: why didn't I see those moments along the way and say THIS is the day it stops-what about the day at Six Flags in Oct of 2009 when the bar barely shut over my hips on the ride -why wasnt that the day. I went to the doctor one day and the scale was 165-that should have been THE day. I did Atkins the summer of 2009 and lost 10 pounds and of course gained it back plus a few. WHY! And there are too many other days to mention that hurt that were sad, that were embarrassing, that should have been THE day but they weren't. The were so many times I just wanted to curl up in a corner and stay there-it just felt like the easier thing to do. It wasn't just a weight issue it was a me issue and a self esteem issue and an all around in life issue.
Nov 7th was going to be THE day I started training for another 5k but I totaled my car and had pain and chiropractor appts for the next 6 months-I wish I could blame it all on that but I can't I can only blame myself.
the THE day: I went to the doctor June of 2010 and he said I had gained over 30 lbs in a year and I said no its closer to 40 because I lost ten after my last appt then started gaining again. Sadly I was at my title 191 pounds. I actually gained a little more after I made my title.
I was having body aches, shortness of breath, and my heart would race just walking up my stairs to go to bed-I was only 32 and I was going to become diabetic very soon if I didnt get my act together NOW. I saw what it did to my dad and I couldn't let that happen to me. I know the right things to do to lose weight but I just couldnt seem to do them I would go to a WW meeting and weigh in and leave crying of shame and that was 15 pounds ago.
HCG was the life safer for us-I needed a desperate measure to change things fast to save me, to save Shawn, to save us. We did great on it and lost almost 40 pounds each during 2 rounds from Aug-Oct 2010. I got me back, he got he back, we got us back and we were off to a fresh healthy start!
Where I am now....to follow another day
